PYONGYANG — After initial rumors circulated throughout the day suggesting the involvement of covert US counter measures in yesterday’s spate of widespread internet outages in North Korea, new reporting reveals that DPRK had recently switched their Internet service to Comcast.
Asked for official comment, one Obama Administration official who asked not to be named said, “Well, we certainly could have warned them. But then,” he continued, “why would we?”
According to sources with claimed connections to the small inner circle of North Korean military leaders, hourly attempts by a very upset Kim Jung Un to get an accurate status report and estimated time of service restoration were routed to the Comcast call center in the Philippines.
Sources say Comcast Service Specialist “Katie” repeatedly advised the frustrated Un that North Korea could easily resolve the issue on their own by simply “power cycling” the nation’s router.
However after a team of DPRK computer engineers followed “Katie’s instructions and unplugged the internet, waited 30 seconds, then plugged the internet back in and service was not restored, an outraged Un was told he would not be able to speak to “Katie’s” supervisor,
Comcast policy, the dictator was informed, requires that the Service Specialist draft a “service notice” which a supervisor would respond to by phone within 24 to 48 hours.
The red-faced dictator then anxiously explained that by that time he would have missed the crucial season finale of his favorite reality show: “Great Successor and Much Beloved Father of the Free and Joyful People of Our Wondrous Workers’ Paradise Creates Unparalleled Dishes of Sophisticated Cuisine Thereby Handily Defeating A Dozen Highly Touted Yet Decadent and Corrupt Western Chefs Using Only the Lush Abundance of Tender Meats and Hearty Produce from Korea’s Vast Garden-like Collective Farms (Season Six)”
“Katie” could only apologize for “any inconvenience” experienced by North Korea and asked if Un might be interested in hearing about several new money-saving internet and cable bundles being offered by Comcast.
As “Katie” began to explain the details and advantages of the “Sports Blast Plus” bundle, an angry Un slammed down the phone and demanded his team of elite covert hackers look into ways to cripple Comcast service in the US.
Unfortunately, his team informed him, computer science offers no means by which to degrade Comcast’s service beyond its current status of incompetence.
Back to the Root 