September 24, 2012

By Hemlock Andashes (Assimilated Press)

Washington – A spokesman representing a group of 28 of America’s largest corporations lashed out at Presidential candidate, Mitt Romney, for his recently uncovered recorded remarks at a Florida fundraising event earlier this year. His secretly taped speech to wealthy donors has been characterized as disparaging the 47% of Americans who pay no federal income tax.

“Mr Romney’s insulting and baseless comments about Americans who earn so little that they are exempt from federal taxation demonstrate his  insensitivity to corporate persons in need,” said Robert Flegmelp, public relations director for the newly formed Americans Against Corporate Defamation (AACD) which represents 28 Fortune 500 companies that paid zero federal income taxes for the years 2008-2011.

“He dared to called these vulnerable companies ‘victims’”, said Flegmelp. “Well, I’m here to tell Mr. Romney, I know these brave corporations, and despite their hardships, not one of them has ever claimed to be a victim.”

Flegmelp went on to say, “Once we thought we had a courageous champion in Mitt Romney—he’s the candidate that stood up for our kind through his vigorous insistence that corporations are people, but now, just to raise a few dollars in contributions, he attacks us as lazy freeloaders? There is just no room for this sort of divisive rhetoric from a presidential contender.”

Several of the AACD members were present at this afternoon’s press conference, but few were willing to speak for themselves, obviously too embarrassed by Romney’s attacks to  speak out publicly.

A few, however, were willing to speak on the record.

Pain clearly visible in its eyes, General Electric spoke in a hushed voice saying, “I cannot believe Mr Romney is so unaware of what we go through; none of us are asking for a handout—we work as hard as we can to earn whatever is available; we just want a fair shot at the American dream for the work we do We are proud persons working for no taxable income.”

Verizon Communications was openly angered. “Does he think I want to earn so little?” asked Verizon. “Doesn’t he know how much I wish I could earn enough to pay taxes? Doesn’t he realize how much his words hurt and humiliate persons like us? Last night one of my youngest subdivisions asked if I was a victim like Mr Romney said. What was I supposed to say to my sad little tyke? It’s just outrageous!”

Mattel* could not hold back tears as it choked up saying, “I ride the early bus in and the late bus out everyday, Mitt Romney; I pay no taxes because after deductions I can barely make ends meet, and yet I bust my rump only to hear a supposed friend call me ‘entitled’…well, you know what? I do, Mr Romney, I do feel entitled to my deductions and what little break I get from taxes—I am entitled damn it.”

Several grim-faced Fortune 500 Corporations gathered in hearing distance were seen nodding solemnly in agreement with Mattel’s impassioned statement.

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* Mattel is a Bain Capital company.